I Stand Alone

This is a poem I wrote about a month ago during my intro to macroeconomics class. at the time I didn't realize how sad it is. Since then I brought it to my psychologist that I see at school on a weekly basis and we analyzed some of the lines together. It was very helpful, it brought up issues about my past that would not have come up otherwise solely for the fact that they may not be interrelated to what I'm dealing with now. I used to write really bad poetry during 8th grade when I was at the deepest parts of my depression and it's funny to me to see how much I've grown up in terms of writing. "I stand Alone"

I stand alone in an open field, nothing for miles I stand alone in the quick flash of sunlight, as if it’s seducing me, but I stand frozen as if nothing can tempt me from my place I stand alone The ominous black clouds mean more than rain comfort, familiarity, I see lightening strike(why can’t it hit me?) (can it bring me back to life?) I hear shouting from far away-voices I’ve heard before “get out of the storm! You aren’t safe here!” I stand alone, safe, with the rain, pouring. Bang, please bring me a gun to make that sound to me, not to the heaven’s above Flashes of light, oh god why am I this way? I stand alone in my mind, in my life, surrounded by thoughts, people trying Trying to understand, read my thoughts, my expressions, Impossible, I’m unreadable, undecipherable Years of practice. Years of pain. Years of sorrow Me, here, not even two decades old, and I I Stand alone, barricaded from those who try and reach me, touch my life somehow Save me, Save me, I’m scared. I’m alone. Always, I have run out of pegs to hold me up I stand alone Reels of memories flash by me minute by minute Frames of cut arms, of sleepless nights, of sleepy days and years Cries from my former self-a 5 year old girl, smiling, happy, beautiful Does she know? Does she know what she becomes? How could she? I stood alone. In a bullet proof castle, no one knowing the password, No One knowing why, where, how, what, and who did this. Where is the key? No magic answers or questions to Open up, forever closed. Forever I stand alone in a field, nothing for miles Quick flash of sunlight, seducing me, Frozen, I stood, as if nothing could or wanted me to escape. I stand alone depressed, needy, alone, empty, scared, restless Breathing in and out the painful mornings I wake too I stand alone. Terrified that flashes of the sun is the only happiness Exposed to the girl alone. In a field, detached from a world.

I stand alone, I have been here. I have always been here